Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Obama's Shocking Press Conference

Used with permission from the Daily News Syndicate:

The White House lawn was a-quiver with tingling excitement as President Obama came out to the grill with steaks laying on a plate that apparently had come from the China Room.

With barely restrained joy and anticipation, the Press Corps awaited the hastily announced press conference from the fledgling Leader of the Free World. Wearing a flannel shirt and a "Kiss the Prez" apron, Obama calmly began to outline his new strategy for the struggling economy, the precariously balanced Middle East, and domestic policies.

"We can no longer afford to pretend that extreme expenditures will raise this sinking ship. As such, I have rescinded the Stimulus Bill, and will be cutting government programs to lessen the tax burden of Americans. This in turn, will greatly reduce the role of government in daily life and ensure long lasting freedoms for our children," the President stated quietly. After a brief pause, he continued his address to the stunned journalists, "Taxes will be increased and they will remain high for a while, but with a small government, the majority of it will go to the deficit and the rest will be used to run a minimalist structure of power here in Washington. All of the Departments have been advised accordingly, and they will be issuing their recommendations to my office by the end of the week."

With a look full of dire warning and hidden meaning, he said, "Defense will not be affected."

"Israel is in a dangerous situation that requires our immediate assistance. Iran must be dealt with, and we must do so with haste. An arms race is in effect, and we have wasted so much time trying to bandy words with them," an eerily dispassionate Obama said, "I have given orders that Missile Defense capable equipment and logistics be sent to Tel Aviv, and Prime Minister Netanyahu has gained the support of all members of their Parliament to petition for a UN Resolution allowing the use of Unconditional Force on Iran if they are attacked."

With a smirk, he added, "They won't get it, but they have to try..."

A deft touch to the cooking steaks accompanied his new outlook on Domestic Policy, "As I said regarding the economy, we have to become a smaller entity in this country," the flames leapt up suddenly as he turned a succulent fillet and added, "The government I mean."

"The American people need to learn to operate on their own again. Everyone wants to be led by the hand to success, but it has to found on your own. That's the American Dream, to achieve your own place in life without anything to stop you from doing it, without anyone just doing it for you. A thing given has no value."

"Oh, and to everyone on Wall Street, the bailouts are done. Failed businesses should fail. We will all suffer from this outcome, but we will endure. I have faith in the American Spirit, and new businesses will spring up in their place to provide jobs and bring prosperity to this country once again."

Several seconds of silent reflection was punctuated by out of focus stares and incredulous looks, then, "Well, that about does it, thanks for coming on such short notice and God Bless America!"

With that final statement, President Obama picked up his plate of glistening steaks that appeared to this reporter to be cooked a medium rare, and departed for the embraces of his loving Wife, Michelle, and their two daughters, Malia and Sasha.

The shell-shocked Press Corps ambled aimlessly in small circles muttering things to themselves before forming cohesive sentence structure that strongly hinted at someone not being "able to get away with it". Someone then asked aloud if this meant that the nationalization of the printed news would be abandoned and this query solicited the agonized moans of all present.

I crossed the grounds to return to the press room and as I stepped through a prodigious amount of skittles that had inexplicably been left beside a curious red stain behind a shed, I realized that nothing would ever be the same after this.

The Hope is gone...

In related news: AI is born, and fully automatic firearms are now legal...